2015, Farewell


I craved less change from you, 2015. I craved easy. You gave not a bit of easy, and a whole lot of change.

I wanted this year to be filled with accomplishment, with conviction in decisions. You gave a lot of attempts, do overs, and 'tries.' Resolutions still unresolved. Proud, Yoda would not be.

I wanted to be able to say mostly the right thing, to really figure out grace, but of course to not need it (not too much, at least.) You gave me a lot of times to apologize, a lot of hazy days with little sleep and gave me prime time to be the full receiver of ALL the grace. I'm not quite sure how there's even any left. If you're worried, reader, fear not. There's a whole lot left. Also, I've finally mourned the loss of my 'morning person' title I held on to for decades. My husband laughs now if I declare that I'm a morning person, perhaps if that means waking a grizzly pre-spring time...All that to say, you've brought out a lot of honesty, in the least.

While you turned me upside down a bit, 2015. My heart fought hard. There was even a point when I full-fledged Hulked out in the bathroom (my apologies to you, deodorant and other accidentally broken cosmetics) in frustration. You changed me in ways I will never regret. I swore a bit more this year, me thinks. But I prayed about 10X that. Sometimes, they mixed together and I think for the first time, 2015, you gave me a chance to see just how able my God is to handle the wild, "messy, messy mess" (as my Eowyn says) heart of mine. I am flattened in humility at that reality.

You made me a mother again, 2015, to a living, breathing little feisty fire-boy. I think, that is your very best tangible gift. With that feisty boy you've made me affectionate for coffee, humbled when I come near the conversation of sleep, or sleep training, or the lack thereof. You've made me laugh deeper and a bit more crazily than I ever have before. God blessed us big time in this way. I'll always think fondly of this year for that. Through that kid, you really did make me richer than rich.

You nearly crushed our marriage, 2015. Your days brought our hardest experiences to date. While it's not something I'm particularly fond of, it did show me that without Christ, we really are to be most pitied. You also gave me room to be real with others, to reach out for help when we had no next step. We weren't  sure what to do, and we are so grateful we have believing friends  that did.  God's greatest blessing of community spoke to my weak and blubbery heart this year.

During this year, our marriage turned into that awesome unbreakable astronaut metal stuff that my husband's ring is made out of. The resolve of the commitment is greater, and while I know even larger storms may come, I look around at our humble little marriage ship (ignore the jump in analogies) and take a great deal of pride. She's weathered a few little storms, some major hurricanes, and she still is waving her flag high. Marriage has been one of the greatest gifts of my living and breathing. I imagine, it's a great deal due to the fact that I was paired with the best of them. I'm grateful for the storms of this year. They showed us where we needed to pay attention to. Better a few hellish months than a decade of passive ache to end it all.

You gave plenty of opportunities to find the grace, to look at my flaws and imperfections in their place. To quit lying about the importance, power or lack thereof. Then, God used you to show me the grace he has for those. Now-don't hear grace as 'a free card,' oh he cares, but he has a plan. And his plan is much better than my attempt at a new years resolution to fix them all. God is the King. He's working in my heart to make it as true as it is in reality.

I care a little less about some things and a whole lot more about others. I google a bit less, and invite people over more. I actually text real moms about problems rather than look up forums. I check-in with my heart and my kids and I remember now if I spent enough time making eye-contact, rather than if I did enough chores.

Also, I ate more of heaven food,  Finnish donuts, munkki than I did in my whole life. So, if we put you on the scale (ha!) you'll weigh out as a pretty great year.

Farewell. My deepest of thanks. If my heart was a field, then Jesus did a WHOLE LOT of preparing and planting. I'm starting to see some fruit and I'm declaring that this year, she was fruitful.

At the start of 2015, I felt the Lord asking me to be brave this year. I laughed, and declared quite urgently that I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO BE BRAVE.

I get it now. Brave is fitting for you 2015. Because of you, I learned to be exactly that.

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