In the wake of finding out our miscarriage was happening, I whispered to Ben that come September 1st, things would be alright again. Its silly. That date. Why then? What does 'alright' even mean? Perhaps because it would give us a month plus some change to let the reality of loss settle in and for our hearts to make room. To make room for pain, then move grief over a bit to make room for joy. And that's what this whole month has been. August 2013 has been marked by this. Facing pain, looking at it, finding joy. Grief settles in, Joy settles in. Emotionless period. Grief. Joy. Emotions. no emotions. repeat.
I was at church this past Sunday when a gal I had only met once previous was playing with her child. Eowyn was a chatterbox in service which lead me out to the hallway and into this conversation. We chatted about babies and mom stuff. Talked about child spacing-the joy of littles. In that conversation she revealed in half-whisper she had gone through two miscarriages. Two babies died before the one she held now. My eyes misted as I told her the truth. "Just a month ago."
God has been faithful. Faithful to not let me hide. Faithful to bring so much compassion to my doorstep. Faithful to let losing my baby be a part of the story he's writing- let it be a part of my story despite how awkward it feels to let people in on this so sacred part of my life. To let me see a momma healing and yet not forgetting. To hear her talk about the beauty of this little one while including her babies she didn't get to meet yet. Faithful to prompt my heart to believe.
God has been kind. Prompting Ben to look over at me this week and give me a mini-sermon on how hard being a stay-at-home-mom is (all the while that guys working 50 plus hour weeks). Yet, he preached. To have him take up my defense when I fill my head with half-truths. He spoke these truths just after he bought me chai tea. That man. He protects. He reminds. He gives space to heal. Place to rest.
His ending note: "Let me do the dishes!" ha. Seriously. He's the best gift of my life.
God's given me joy. Eowyn has gotten over the disappointment that comes when her bottle at night is empty. She hands it over to me, then we rest together. I can hold her and play with her hair and watch her breath. Then when I whisper "where's daddy? " she gets the biggest sleepy little grin as she slowly opens her eyes and sneaks glances for him. When she sees him, eyes open wide and all the delight noises of a 13 month old come out of her face. My heart swells every time.
God's been peaceful to me. My morning walks have been so consistently filled. I get to talk to my neighbor Arlene who, despite much clarification, still refers to Eowyn as a boy. "He's just so handsome!" "Wow, he sure is a happy baby!" I see her on the regular. She tells me she wanted more babies, but she only got one. She loves this heat wave we're having. Her cats name is nosey.
God's given me laughter. Ben and I have become those people that play candy crush saga. I've been playing it for a week. yes, an entire week. In TWO DAYS Ben beats me. which is actually about 2 hours total. This has been the content of our 'fights' lately."Why do you have to be so good at EVERYTHING?"
This season we discovered the goodness that is groupon. Archery for two for 14 dollars?! Apple Picking? We're pumped about the fall and all the cheap-o adventures we're finding.
God's given me hope. Reminders that with Jesus all things are possible. That this story isn't us. Its not me. Its Him. He is good and loving and all this is somehow orchestrating to one awesome new beginning.
September 1st is just around the corner and while heaviness clings to my heart to the point we're familiar with each other now, there's joy to be found too. Little things. Little things are the big things worth celebrating.
The biggest take away from my august? A new definition of good and alright. Its alright to define a good day with "it was hard-but there was some good." Its alright to decide I'm doing well despite tears frequenting my face all day. Jesus can speak when I have no more words to say- that means its been a good day. Its a good day when eowyn is-as I frequently whisper to Ben after a hard day-"acting like a butt." ALWAYS the next day we see some cool brain development. Growth is good. Meaning this is good. It's all alright.
We're doin' alright.
So September 1st proved true. Come that day we'll be alright. We're ready for you.
As Always, thanks for reading.