todays been a rough day.

 I'm pretty sure these are part of the package deal of getting a sweet little newborn, and I keep telling myself "Someday, you're going to miss even this." And I know its true. Days when she's especially clingy-wanting to be held and laughing at any suggestion of a good quality nap-at least we get to snuggle. I often times give myself pep talks. I go through the list of my friends that are hurting. I take it as a good time to pray over them. I remind myself of how many people yearn to be where I'm at-getting to stay at home with their baby, even if that baby likes crying more than sleep. At the end of it I know I can't begin to complain. I know I'm overwhelmingly blessed.

And I definitely am not negating how blessed I truly am-but I'm learning the value of just admitting that this is rough. In letting God know that while I know others are hurting far more today than I have ever in my life, today is still rough. I think its then that I find all sorts of grace from Him. When I begin to be reminded yet another reason why I follow him. I hear him remind me that he's walked through this before. That he understands what new mom's go through and that this is only what it is:one rough day.

I think about how he crafted babies. How he crafted them to love being in the presence of their parents and how they rely solely on their mom and dad for a good chunk of their life. I realize the analogy of the family and my relationship with him. How I was crafted to love being in his presence and crafted to rely solely on him.

And that's enough. It's the best way. She relies on me, I rely on him. And daily I get to teach her how to do the same.

His mercies are new in the morning.

Birthday Letter to my little E! 1 month


Eowyn Christine,

You're a whole month old! You've already taught me quite a bit, and you've expanded my heart in ways I didn't even know was possible. I love your little noises-your screechy little cry and your mousy little squeeks. I can't wait to hear you laugh and talk... but for now those sweet noises are just fine by me.  I love your faces, and your peace.


It's easy to pray in the moment-to pray you sleep well tonight, that you keep growing-that your poop stays the right color (yes, I have actually prayed that) and God has been faithful even in these little things. But I'm learning that those things aren't nearly as important as the big picture things-like that you'll someday come into the knowledge of just how great Jesus is. That you will be wise with your heart, and with your actions. That your dad and I will continue to see you as the blessing that you are-and will raise you not the be performance driven-but to rely on Christ and out of your love for Jesus responding to life how He's called you to.

You're my daughter. How I love that! Baby girl. I delight in how beautifully you've been made and hope that no matter how you grow-you'll know that you were created well. You're a work of art, jellybean.


Your dad and I delight over you. We sometimes just stare at you and comment how wonderful it is to have you in our life. May you always know that you are wanted beyond description. That your dad's love is ginormous-and that his desire to protect you is directly correlated with that. Know that you are so loved. SO LOVED. Your dad and I love you, Eowyn.

I look forward to every day we get to spend together.

Happy One Month, baby girl. It's already been quite the adventure.

One month

Reflections on this whole new mom thing


They weren't kidding when they said having a baby would be an emotional roller coaster. After a surprise entrance, it seems a little surreal still that sitting on my husband is our three week old baby girl. We were barely ready and a lot of the conversations I expected to have simply didn't have time to happen. The desire to be all prepared when this baby arrived simply wasn't fulfilled.

So now we're here. Whenever I pass the hospital I feel a little bit of an out of body experience-Brittany had a baby three weeks ago-said baby is in the back seat-Ben and I are parents.

We've been overwhelmingly blessed by our church friends, work friends, and just general friends as well as family. And thank you! There are several of you that have offered to come by and have graciously allowed for me to say 'yes, but later.' Again, thanks for that. Things are quieting down and hopefully that 'later' can turn into 'wanna come over!' after this week.

One thing I read during pregnancy is the idea of a 'don't do now' list. Becoming a mom means that things get to change-have to change-in order to maintain some sense of composure. Part of that, for me, meant recognizing that there's a time and place for everything-and looking into masters programs, trying to keep a spotless home, and feeling the burden of one-sided relationships just couldn't happen. My list of 'don't do now' allows me a lot of rest. There may be a time for all of those things and more-but that season isn't now.

So what is this season? I've decided its a lot of 'get to's' I get to spend time with that little girl and be present. Luckily, I have a supportive family. Staying at home gets to be a reality of mine without the weird feelings of not measuring up to some goals (I'll be honest in saying it was a struggle, and a lot of my own goals had to be changed.) I get to focus on being a wife and a mom, and overall, I get to focus on the relationships God has placed in my life. I consider it a privilege.

While I feel this way, these past few weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs. Feeling overwhelmed with the lack of sleep, the demands of a baby, and the fear of not doing something right (which is weirdly predicted far too much by the color of a baby's poo...) has definitely been present. Sometimes the idea of a 8-5 job doesn't sound so bad. However, I've also met God in those 2:40 AM moments when I'm beyond exhausted. I've felt encouraged, and I think in a lot of ways I'm learning a whole new level of sacrificial living. It's deepening my appreciation for God, and how he gave up his son. and its teaching me even more deeply the significance of being his daughter. If God designed us to be images of him, and this is how I feel as a parent? the lines of hymns "How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure... "have become richer.

I had a lot of fears for Ben and I. I remember the first week I was paranoid. How does this change the way Ben sees me? What is our relationship now that we have a little human to grow? I've discovered its made it richer. I've gotten to see Ben in a new light-and his soft compliments in the wee hours of the morning affirming me as a momma fill my heart. Being noticed when it feels like no one else on earth is awake is one reassuring feeling. He's become even more of a friend, and we've gotten to fight for each other even more so. Even ensuring each others basic needs are met shows a lot of love.

So, life in week three of Eowyn has overall been good. God is faithful and while the question "how'd you sleep last night? " almost has a bit of a comic flare for us this days-we still are smiling about it, sometimes barely-but still smiling. Ben is kind of amazing in a whole new level and as all parents would say-we wouldn't want it any other way.

Thank you again to all our friends and family who have made us food, cleaned our home, came to visit us, send sweet checking-in texts and the like. You've made these weeks restful in ways I cannot begin to express.

Three Weeks


Sweet Baby Girl,

You're growing up super fast. In just 9 days you'll have reached your one month birthday-which was supposed to be your due date! Crazy indeed. You're starting to settle in to your routine-which makes your momma and dad two happy campers. You already are a mover-kicking those little arms and legs, and you're a vocal one. I used to imagine what you would look like and sound like, praying for you. Those little squeals, grunts and silly noises are reminders to answered prayers. 

You're turning me slowly into more of a morning person. Your wide little eyes in the morning make getting up a bit more enjoyable. We stare at you sometimes and watch your thousands of faces-you are an expressive child! We can't quite figure out who you look more like-either way kid, you're a good-looking baby girl.

People ask me if you're an 'easy baby.' I don't really know what the right answer to that is. You're a baby and a vocal one. You have some good days, you have some not as good days. I don't think I'd say you're  an 'easy' baby, just like it wasn't an easy labor nor has any of this been an easy transition-but you are good-really good. It was a good labor-We got you! We're surviving the transition well, and you really do make life sweeter.

Here are some of my favorites so far...

*Seeing your little reflex smiles, and pouty faces
*Praying over you during meal times. Remembering all the prayers I prayed before your were born and seeing the ones God has answered-and beginning to see the beauty of the ones that he didn't answer the way I wanted him to. 
* Your dad, and his tone of voice when he calls you 'baby girl'
*The smacking noise you get when we give you your vitamin stuff
*Your grunts and squeaks
*Your squirmy little legs, and how you sleep with your arms over your head
*how strong you already are-you can lift your head and turn it from one side to the other, and your legs are unusually strong for being so skinny. That-a-girl.
*The normalizing of us as now a family of 3. And the way your dad celebrates you
*the way you quiet down when I talk to you-There's something special knowing that you know me from others. 
*How awesome God's design of family is. 

We like you.