Sad News: A Miscarriage


"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be"   -C.S. Lewis.

For those of you who have heard, responded and loved on us lately through the tragedy that hit our life this past week, I can't say thank you enough. You have overwhelmed us with your prayers, kind words, and gestures. Thank you for choosing to be present both in body or spirit and for reaching out in light of this grief and the potential awkwardness it presents. We are forever thankful and praise God for each of you.

For those of you who have not yet heard, this post is for you. Or perhaps for me to officially make it known. We found we were pregnant in March, and were excited to share the news here when the baby had reached 12 weeks gestation. On sunday night however, we got the word in the ER after some signs of trouble that what we thought was our eleven week old baby had died at 8 weeks. We had whats called a missed miscarriage. This basically means our baby died near a month ago, but my body never let it go. In fact, in my case, my body kept thinking I was pregnant and kept growing right along. This reality led the doctors to recommend a procedure to remove it-since a month had passed and there were no signs of my body letting the baby go. This all has happened in the past few days.

We have become acquainted with grief these past several days.  Our baby is dead and in some ways, parts of our hearts feel the same. Yet, we've felt Jesus through every step of all this and there has been no doubt that He is here. We have gotten to test out our 'theology of suffering.' We've gotten to see how a perfect good God can still be all that we know he is, while mourning the loss of our baby. God knows what its like to lose a child. And we praise God that in all of this-He's proving to be all we believed He was. And then some.

I feel like there's so much more I could say, but at the same time not too much more. It sucks. We live in a world with sin. Sin means death and not even those who rely on Jesus escape its pain. But we have escaped its power. We have escaped its finality and as good ol Ravi Zacharias says "death is dead." It is in all this that we are especially appreciative to have a real God that is tangibly active.

We're holding on to all these truths and we are anticipating heaven all the more. I'm excited for that moment when I get to see my kid. We praise God for the good gifts he has given us now: the ridiculous spraguelet this blog is already filled with, a marriage that while being shaken, has not broken under this grief and hearts that we can feel Jesus mending ever so slowly. We praise God that while we are guaranteed to suffer, we're guaranteed that He never leaves. That he brings the dead back to life. That he restores what is lost.

I'm not sure how many other posts will be posted about this. I've written other things, but they are so raw that it hurts me to re-read them.  But I didn't want to just leave it be and keep posting all of our happy outings while leaving this out.  I know so many have experienced this-so many of those that read this blog know far to well the sounds and screams a weeping mother makes. I never wanted to join your ranks. But, my heart is softer now towards you. I have learned how my words affect those in grief-as I have been affected. I'm learning-by the grace of God-what it means to be a better gospel friend. And for all that, I'm thankful. Who Ben and I are in the midst of this, is better, softer versions of who we were before-which is testament that God doesn't waste pain-even for those experiencing it.

All that to say, thanks to those who have mourned with us. If you feel the need to contact us, our email is and  I know its hard to find words to say to stuff like this. So thank you for those who have done so anyways. I know I wouldn't know what to say either.

Please pray for us as we continue to walk through this. Its still relatively fresh and while we do feel 'okay,'   it obviously hurts deeply. My guess is that this pain doesn't really ever go away.

As always, thanks for reading.

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