If God is Enough


I have several (perhaps even more than 20) different posts that are still in their draft form. A lot of them are rants and most are not all that beneficial for the masses (albeit, small) of this blog. When I sit down to write anything lately, I keep finding myself making more 'draft worthy' posts than content I'd like to share.

Winter is always, at least to some degree a little blah for me. (Minnesota, much?) Each year, I notice trends. Last year, I noticed how often my self esteem, marriage and more take on a more darker hue if I'm not intentional about focusing on choosing life. I think there's been a lot of success in that area this year as Ben will attest. Thankfully the long nights of "Do you rrreeeaallllyy like me?"  have been minimized. Everyone in this house is thankful that with a baby, there's overall less time to focus on self. This winter, that is a very good thing.

But in place of the usual 'woe-is-me' pitfalls of winter, in have entered new ones. Ones challenging my competence as a mom, competence as a 'home-maker,' if any of that is enough, and the ones I especially dislike: the pitfall of always having a place-holder in my heart that gets filled with someone I'm convinced disproves my every move (it changes quarterly.) I'm constantly struggling to discover how to run away from finding worth in any of it, and am constantly amazed at my insecurities  despite serving a God that gives such an awesome identity to each of his babies.

To add to that, a lot of changes are rocking this girls boat and while they've been left ambiguous on the blog, they are left so intentionally. Mostly because they're ambiguous in real-life. I find myself struggling through anxiety and feeling kind of hoarder-ish of our things, our friends, our time...overall I've caught myself panicky over really insignificant things and have been struggling through my willingness to let go. Its been weird, and while its not coming out of left field (or is it right?) it still is a bit uncontrollable and incredibly uncomfortable.

It's at this point in a blog post that I'd like to rave about the mercies of Jesus and how in every situation where I've struggled I've found Him there, quickly and with little discomfort. I want to leave you with a success story of how God has clearly taken away all anxiety and replaced it with joy after a short, brief, tiny period of time. I want to say he's manifested himself and  is obviously here. Now.

But I can't. Not because that isn't true. It just isn't true yet. At least not fully. At least not obviously.

 There's been a lot of questions these past months. A lot of "I know you're here-but what are you doing about this?" "Why haven't you changed my heart after we've talked through this 1 bajillion trillion times?" "What am I missing?" "Why does this bug me so much?" "Why us?" " Are you sure?" "is this really from you?" "I miss you." "do you care enough to notice me?"

But God does. Even in this. As was the case a couple nights ago. A friend pushed me to be okay with not having a fix all for all the mess my heart is doing. Because of what Jesus did, she reminded me, in my sin I can still be met. She encouraged me to take heart, the Holy Spirit is working in me. After all that's the only way I've been made aware of all the gunk I'm finding in the first place. It was good to be forced to process why so many of the same themes have been major this season and to be okay with the fact that God doesn't just fix every problem. Its a good friend that encouraged you to embrace painful experiences.

I insist on refusing internal discomfort. I like to think myself a pro at external discomfort (I'm sure put to the test, We'd all laugh at that one, but never the less.). I prize myself on accomplishing difficult tasks, and a hard days work is the best kind. I grew up bailing hay, and building stuff. Running, conditioning. I got that in the bag. But when it comes to the war within my own brain, the quicker I can find a comfortable solution, the better. No sweat is preferable.

Being left to process why certain phrases people have said get the best of me, or even what others do of their own accord, why I get so frustrated in relationships and why the idea of giving up so much of our stuff causes major anxiety have left me noticing a deeper level of insecurity, a deeper level of mistrust and a deeper level of overall selfishness.

Each time I reach this conclusion. I think AHA! Finally! Made it! Done! And then 48 hours later (or a mere 3 minutes)  I find myself flying in those same circles around the same dying spot in my heart.
Luckily, just like the rotting wet leaves under the snow give way to all sorts of new life in the spring, I'm banking on the regeneration of even these dead parts of my being. I'm thankful to a husband who parades my small improvements-allowing me to see that God is at work in my heart, and thankful that I serve a God who "knows the depths of my heart and he loves me the same."

During the struggle, before the triumph. Where's God? It seems I'm getting to test those waters, getting stuck in the mud and get to struggle to find Him. I felt a little tug at my heart when Pastor Steve talked about how they'd be talking about that very thing through the next weeks. I know I'm not alone in this. I know a lot of people are genuinely struggling right now.

And despite struggle, I am ridiculously blessed. I'm thankful for a husband who parades me as a momma, wife, friend, partner, and is one relentless, tender-hearted, leader. For a man who champions this girls heart and chooses his family over his personal goals, for his loyalty and for his sometimes comical, but always resounding insistence on truth for this home. for friends who encourage and a community that leave me in tears from laughing, I'm thankful for a God who doesn't insist on a happy face in the midst of struggle, and for a King David  in the Old Testament times who tore clothes in mourning, dealt with death, destruction, hatred, and betrayal,  and still saw God as big enough. God was his friend and he was a friend of God's. For a God who desires more for me than easy. For a God who chooses 'best' and turns any glimpse of struggle and pain into glory.

If all this is headed to a place where I become convinced God is enough. I'll take it. and I think that's exactly where this is headed.

As always, thanks for reading.

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