The Girl


Just a little over a year ago, we found out we were gonna have this baby girl. We were blessed with getting the happy news sooner rather than after months (and for some years) of trying. I enjoyed parts of my pregnancy, but a lot of it was filled with fear. I had friends who had miscarried, or had stillbirths  and in a lot of ways I felt like I couldn't get excited until she was finally here. Just in case-just to protect my heart. 

If I hadn't felt her moving after a while I would lay in my bed and wait. Drink something to make her move and the deep sigh of relief would wash over me as soon as I felt her move. At about the 8 month mark I realized that this fear I was allowing had to stop. Why? Because right then there were only about 100 things that could go wrong. Once she was born? There were thousands. 

I began a battle to fill my heart up so much with joy and love that there isn't room for fear. Once she was born, I would pray thousands of mini-prayers over her protection-"I can't take care of her while she sleeps (when I needed to sleep as well) so God, you're on watch." Obviously he's always on watch, but for me sleep became a form of releasing control. I had to sleep-I was going nutty, and I needed the peace that he wouldn't let her stop breathing or any other slew of problems. So day after day I repeated this and the like to Him. Slowly, I discovered-He's really good at taking care of her.

Perhaps it was all these small steps that have lead me to the incredible joy I'm getting today. Those first three months were so hard that in contrast, Ben and I are swimmingly happy with this bundle who, while still has her minor meltdowns, is turning out to be such a sweet hearted girl. These pictures start to capture the thousands of faces she makes at us everyday. I love these month posts, because while she naps I just look at her and marvel and wonder at all that God is doing. 

I sort of never want to teach her how to say 'cheese'when pictures are taken, because having that stare she has in the last picture says more than any cheesy grin could. This is my daughter: Intensely attentive, giggly, silly, and ecstatic about being with others. She's a fan of her naps (Praise be to the Almighty God) and does these sing-song cries when she wants something which make me laugh and cherish her all the more. She loves to play, has iron-grip and is already her dads girl. She even refused to go to sleep the other night until he came home. As soon as he entered, (nearly) she was out like a light. I love that this is our kid. I love seeing her dad with her, I love seeing her come alive every morning with the excitement of the day. I love watching her stretch when waking up, and the sweet little grin she gives the minute she's coherent. So many things.

I can only imagine what she'll be like at 6,7,8 months and so on. Each age is my new favorite.

As a parent, I'm resting. I consistently tell her that she is enough as she is-mostly to remind myself. I've made a deliberate effort to forbid my heart from putting her into the ranks of performance of babies, to see how she measures. She is just fine. I know its easy to fall into the "what should my baby be doing at this age?" so its been really refreshing avoiding those conversations and websites entirely. It's allowing me to let  her grow and do her thing and get excited for her advancements rather than wishing she would do more.

Ben has become a whole new level of impressive to me. I write about him on here mostly as an active way to remind myself to be thankful, and when I think about it it makes me all the more in awe at how incredible God is in crafting him. He's such a good dad to Eowyn, and such a great encourager to me. He's learned that reassurance isn't just "I'm sure its fine." He takes interest. And address my fears head on. The other day I was talking about making sure Eowyn was getting enough food-she's a petite gal-and so since she's not little miss tub tubs, I think about it. Ben was calmly reassuring. His kindness in guiding us through not worrying about things and giving perspective to life situations really has shaped who I am as a mother. I like that.

Thankful to have Ben, and this little spraguelet and a God who cares enough to walk us through this crazy stage of life. Happy 5 months Eowyn.

Happy Weekend!

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