Ben is Ah-May-Zing.

These past several months have been a sort of weird struggle period for me. I would actually say my worst to date. There's been so many mantras of identity and "loving this body" and parenting and what have you that I've tried to cling tight to. At any hint of security, I jump on it. Yet, all these clever sayings have failed me and left me feeling more weary, more defeated. Much like the frustration of jamming a triangle into a square into those shape ball toys-I feel like I've just kept thinking if I push a little harder, then it'll fit and that empty space inside my belly will feel a little bit more full.

Now I know the right answers about Identity in Jesus and I have read more blogs on accepting motherhood-both with grace and Jesus and scars and all than I could even share with you. And there is truth there. and they DO help. But more often than not, I trade out good solid truth rather quick for yet another mantra, hoping that what I'm trading for will last another couple days.

I was thinking about all this, and realized that out of all the things I've let into my heart these past several months (which is the main issue itself) God has used one thing more than anything else.

My husband.

And this is where this post turns into a praise Jesus for that man post.

The farthest I can remember is back in November. When I was anxious with impending family visits and wanting to make everything go perfectly. Ben told he he didn't want me to worry about that-to just focus on taking care of him and E.

Now I know that might seem a little weird-as in "Pay attention to ME" but if you know Ben thats just not him. It was a grace card to me. It was a " I know you're going to try and make everybody happy-so quit, just worry about your husband (who is the easiest person to make happy ever) and the kid who as long as she has food is peachy.

And that week and the whole holiday season was legitimately a season of rest.

These conversations have since come up practically every other week. I share my woes with him in my struggles. And he slowly unveils my lies I've bought into. My unrealistic standards of beauty. My ridiculous standards of parenting. The trap of searching out my rank amongst others-just to see how I'm doing. And that same phrase has kept coming up.

"Pay attention to me."

He asks me questions:
"What is my standard of beauty?"
"How have we decided we're going to parent?"
"How do I think you're doing?"

And the reality is, since the day I've met Ben, he has been marked by Grace. Which means the answers to those questions are peace wrapped in grace wrapped in "well done."

A few nights ago Eowyn woke up super close to the last time I fed her, and I tried to feed her again-and after 45 minutes it was a No-Go. So with feelings of defeat and after a long time of her screaming, we problem solved. After she had gone back down I went over to him, plopped myself down cried. Then through bluppers went through my list of all the inadequacies.

And after I had listed them in full he asked:  "What do I think of you?" I told him I don't know. I refused to partake because I was feeling too sorry for myself. So he recited his own list. Then made me repeat it back.

"You think I'm a really good mom. You think I take care of our house well. You think that the reason why Eowyn is so happy is because of the work I put in......You think I'm beautiful" The list was long folks. I felt sheepish. Ridiculous even. But loved.

And he ended the conversation with "Brittany, just look at me."


And that replaces all mantras. Because thats straight from the heart of Jesus.

 And as I keep repeating these conversations in my brain, I become more blessed by Ben. And God has even further used this to show me that His love is even deeper. But the tangibleness of what Ben has shown me has made it not such a far stretch to believe the truths of Jesus.

I keep feeling that tug: "Just look at me."

Now, for all my gal pals that read this blog.  I want to straight out state that our marriage struggles. Regularly  And if you sit down with me, I'll share about how we have had different standards of what we found awesome-and they weren't each other. How we were surrounded by unmet expectations and hurt feelings. How we have not been true with our hearts. How we've broken each others. How-even in the past 6 months I heard (in grace) "I'm glad we can work this stuff out-I really didn't like you a little bit ago."  And I agreed. I don't like him much either when we're being stubborn and being careless with our words. So I want to wave a Big flag saying "sinners." This is not a perfect marriage.

But we've been redeemed and are being sanctified. And praise Jesus for that.

I'm blessed by how Christ has been working through Ben during this stage. How sweet a gift it has been to be Ben's standard of Beauty. To let go of anything outside of that and to see the truth in his words.  To find peace in the reality that this guy and my Jesus are the spokespeople for so many of my insecurities-and they have deemed me fit. Worthy. I'm blessed that this guy is the father of my babes. That he's such a good man.
That even when he fails, and sins, and my heart is sore-that He's leading under the mantel of Jesus which equips us to keep going.

Just all of it. Through the trenches of this struggle, even with it going on still. I am so blessed by who Ben's been to me. I am a loved woman. So thankful for that.

So, all that to say. Ben, you're awesome and it's clear that Jesus is working in your heart. Which blesses my heart. You are a great dad, and an even better husband.

So thanks for that. I really dig belonging with you.