There's several data points I have on my lifeline that I could list off in a moments notice. I sometimes even make lists of these things to remind myself of what has happened in the few days I've lived. It's probably a weird practice, but it reminds me of completed dreams and it makes me feel awesome about myself.
Some of those data points are not remarkably beautiful ones, at least not in my opinion. They represent moments when fears were realized, that prayers were answered 'no.' They were the moments when dreams died.
In talking with a friend today, she asked me about marriage, and babies and that whole bit as we recapped the past few months since our last chat. After our conversation, I kept thinking about all the significant pillars that have shaped who I am. It resulted in a lot of pondering through my now 24 years of life and allowed me to look around at where all of this has landed me. In other words, the list came out.
I started rewriting my list and made sure to include all the important things like "getting my drivers license" "going to X Y and Z" and other 'accomplishments' that I claimed to have under my belt. As I looked at that list I had made I began seeing more than the usual. I kept noticing one thing screaming out louder than anything else.
Mercy.
Unmerited favor.
The accomplishments I had listed were in the shadows of all the grace I've received.
and thats when I started thinking about a whole different list.
There have been some blatant decisions I've made. Ones that hurt deeply those around me. I have experienced the heartbreak that comes with vulnerability in relationship. Unmet expectations. I've been hurt, but more often than not, If I'm honest-I'm the pain-giver.
When that realization hits me (and it has hit me several times before) my little data points turn from my big hot-shot accomplishments to little acts of mercy.
The time when the little, pretty girl from 2nd grade forgave me even when I wouldn't saying sorry after I called her ugly names. Tasting failure in high school and having friends affirm me that it made no difference in my identity, when I was convinced it defined me. Rejecting people who were worth their weight in gold and have them respond in grace and second chances. The downright ugly things that have come out of my mouth towards my husband, because he bugged me and because I know it will hurt, then he responds in love. These blips are what all of a sudden cloud my brain. Because if I'm honest, those have defined my character more than my ability to snag a boyfriend in 11th grade.
So, now I have this list that I don't want anyone to see. I'd rather not have these count for who I am.
But, there's Jesus.
It's a 100 degree tuesday and I just wanted to say I'm so thankful that Jesus exists. That common grace exists. That my shortcomings, in plain view are not so big to overcrowd the acts of the one who loves me. That Jesus has changed me. And is still changing me. And that while this body keeps getting closer to death my heart is getting tastes of life.
I hope as I grow into ripe old age, if God brings me there-that I'll be remembering the crazy Jesus moments that took place rather than the toot-my-own-horn (realistically pretty pathetic) moments. Because the grace that these 24 years of life has experienced is far more impressive than any bullet point I lay claim to. I can only imagine what an 89 version of myself will have experienced.
I'm gonna bear-hug that Jesus when I get to heaven. Tackle that Jesus to the ground. And probably cry like teenage girls do at a justin beiber concerts. PUMPED.
Praise Jesus.
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