A blog I recently found is doing a fun series about peoples testimonies. While reading a few I started thinking of my own. I thought it would be a great idea to write this post, not just to share with you guys, but to remind myself just how good God is. Before college, I always thought it was hard to tell my story about coming to Christ and even now it makes me nervous. Hopefully you'll find some joy in it, some encouragement, and maybe even decide that you'll come to Christ-for real.
Part I-Pre-Christ
I grew up as a pastors kid. Growing up people would always tell me "you know what they say about pastors kids? They're either crazy rebellious-or nauseously perfect" I didn't like the idea of being crazy rebellious. So i opted for performance. I made sure I did things 'right.'
Led my little bible studies, went to church, attended the christian groups, didn't say bad words, the whole works of being a 'good' child. I can remember a few encounters with God. Yet all of them were not "wow brittany, i'm so pleased with your performance"
Actually it was opposite. It general was "cut the act-where am I in all of this?" At camps, rather than committing to quit my rebellious ways (which really-mine were against God) I would tell God I would be real with him and others this time. Yet I kept sinning. I kept up my too-cool-for-satan act and pretended i was untouchable. I pretended to have Grace, yet i never experienced it. I pretended to offer mercy-but I didn't really believe in it. And in secret when I would sin. I would tell myself 'well those sins aren't so bad," and keep thinking if I could just keep the charade going. I would be just fine. God might even be fooled-since I certainly was.
I prided my self on how great I was, all the while lusting after what wasn't mine. I was envious of other girls and other peoples possessions, and I would think wicked thoughts of their misfortune. I would tell myself things like "well if they have that much-then I bet their Parents are insanely in debt or unhappy" When people stumbled. I celebrated.
I was the class act pharisee. Jesus talked about me : "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean." Mathew 23:27
And then I had a relationship with a boy that wasn't a believer. And then I had another one-but this one was secretive and he actually was pretty good at mocking my God. And then I had another one that no one knew about-even the boy I was with denied it. He supposedly loved God-but the ways he acted, and the stuff he did made me believe that maybe this God guy really isn't all he was cracked up to be.
Part-II Finally Letting Christ In
I became the girl who said "God, I did all this stuff for you-and look where its gotten me?" Then one day, I remember clearly hearing this: "I. Dont. Want. It"
And I began to feel the weight of my sin. God began to reveal the ways I was dragging him through the mud. He was showing me just what I was doing. I was lying. I was pretending to be something I was not-a believer in the Grace of Christ and his all mighty power to cover sins and make things new. I could feel the displeasure of my Lord. However this time was different. This time it wasn't "start working harder" It was "brittany-come clean."
I remember one time at a weekend I attended a conference through Navigators. The speaker said something I will never forget. He had everyone write different sins. At first everyone said the good stuff "Lying, Cheating, Stealing" The ones you know where wrong. But he kept asking for more " Gossip, Lust, Envy, Masturbation, Pornography, deceit, pride," Things that people debate over...Things that we are guilty of because our own hearts convict us yet we tell ourselves that they actually are good-those stuff too.. And You know what he did? He wrote all those on a big piece of paper and then grabbed a bucket of paint and covered it in red. COVERED every word in RED.
" When Christ dies for you-What was true about you once. Is. Not. True. Of. You. Anymore."
I stared in disbelief. What do you mean its not true of me? Can I seriously walk away from every sin, every regret and count it dead. Count it NOT TRUE OF ME?
I broke that day. I felt for the first time the sweet overwhelming grace of my savior when I for the first time actually let him take my sins away.
It wasn't just a "sweet now I'm just fine" sort of ordeal either. Over the next year God convinced my heart of things that were wrong. But this time, I wanted to get them out-not for show-but to Please my Lord. And it was a fight. At the time that I finally said it was enough, the one guy I had been liking so long even said he was ready to 'officially date.' What I had been wanting for over a year and half was finally available to me. but God had clearly said no. I struggled. I chose to honor the Lord.
Those 6 months after that hard day where so freeing. I had no guys in my life. I chose Christ and I was walking in Freedom for the first time. I had no one to perform for. My Lord knew me and it was HIS grace that made me who I was. I was signing up for activities-not because of performance-but to give me an opportunity to get to experience HIM. Spring Break Trip was one of those times. It was also a time that I started talking to my now Husband.
Its insane to see how the Lord had prepared me so fully for that Spring Break trip. For the peace he gave me as I witnessed to people-openly-for the first time. And how when it came time to pursue a relationship with Ben, Christ was already restoring my heart and mind to see Ben not as someone I have to perform for or to get all my needs from, But as a companion in this pursual towards Christ
Sometimes I forget that. Seriously I do, and I yell at him for not meeting my needs. I chuckle even now at his grace.. Ben-when you read this-your a rockstar. Seriously a .Rock. Star. And you are most definitely one of the best examples in my life to show me what Christ really means when he lays down his life. And what he really means when he gives compassion and grace and forgiveness to us when we don't deserve it.
I've had so many people in my life that did that for me. Even before Ben was ever in the picture, I look back and I see broken hearted conversations with one woman who continued to tell me His grace is enough. And other women who surprised me with their lack of cattiness, and their quick to forgive nature. My Freshman Roommate literally shocked me with her kindness. My bible study leader showed me what it means to be broken before the Lord, The lovely leaders of the groups I participated in, showed me what marriage in the light of Christ could look like. They testify to His awesomeness.
Part III-Living in That Reality
So where am I now? I'm still sitting in the knowledge of my savior. I'm sitting in the humbling glory of who Christ really is. And I am celebrating. A Lifetime of "Years of Jubilee" a lifetime-no an eternity- of freedom from debt, freedom from slavery to sin and performance. Did you know this is the ONLY religion that is based on Grace? The only belief that sets you free from performance and from your sin? Mormons, Buddhists, Muslims, all of them-some even have Jesus in their books-but they do not accept his power. His power to wipe away all the things we've ever done and make us whole. We dont have to try to do enough 'good' to balance out the bad.' Its a fight we'd never win. Christ is here to fill my heart with the knowledge that I am His and he shaped me and that I am now growing into who he designed me to be. Not just in my heart, but in my mind and my spirit and even my body. That this Body was designed specifically for me. Just as it is. That even as I quit my sin, its not FOR his love, but FROM it. and it frees me.
Do you know how freeing Christ is to allow us that? To allow us to enjoy his grace and his mercy and to get to celebrate his creation-even our own bodies and glorify him? How even when he changes us and convicts us of sin, its because he's eager to make us more whole-to get rid of the crap that is killing our joy and our true life. And that he dwells in me. And that I can literally feel the prescense of God.
I'm so in love with the Creator.
To sum it up:
I used to think there was stuff that was so gross in my life that God wouldn't want to forgive it-because he didn't want to touch it and so I thought if I worked really hard at performing for him, eventually it would equate to all my bad-doings. Problem was, I kept doing the things I hated all the while doing the things I thought he wanted. Every night-the score was against me. Then, One day. I found out the truth. That the battle has already been one-in my favor. That the Almighty God who has created the earth, created me, and then died for me. His death allows for any sin in my past present and future to be gone. And that for all of eternity, I will be judged not on my crappy performance-but on the awesome life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.And I will be forever. FOREVER in his presence.
And all it took for that reality to be my life is to embrace that truth.
Its a pretty sweet deal.
That's how I came to Christ.
And here's a sweet video:
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